There's a Fire Inside of Me!

THERE'S A FIRE INSIDE OF ME!

November 20, 2014

I wrote the title to this post in November 2014.  I wanted to not forget the "fire in the belly" feeling that had suddenly appeared.  I wrote the narrative below in July, 2015 - eight months later.

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It first started at ITU Worlds in Chicago a year ago (hard to believe it has been a year).  During the swim, I literally swam over a woman.  We were hip-to-hip and my arm came down on top of her shoulder.  Instead of thinking, "Oh, excuse me,"  I literally shoved her underwater as my stroke progressed and swam over the top of her.  And to my utter shock, I liked it!  That moment ignited some primal competitive instinct that I had no idea existed within me.

It was at that moment that I knew that I didn't want to just "finish" a distance or compete with myself.  I wanted to beat other people.  Actually, I wanted to dominate / annihilate other people.  In many aspects of my life, I am shy and reserved so this was completely new, and at the time, a little disturbing.  I told my coach, "There's a monster inside of me!"

This primal instinct to dominate is not helpful or appropriate in most aspects of life, but it's what fuels athletes.  In athletics, it is a good thing.

It was also at ITU Worlds that I realized that I had might have potential.  In local competitions, I was the only one in my age group, so I didn't know how I stacked up against other women my age.  But at ITU Worlds, there were several dozen women in my age group, and I had a decent finish.  I started to think that maybe, just maybe, I could do well if I really worked hard.  I told my coach that while I was basically a beginner, I wanted to start training like an elite.  I asked him to make sure that I was training harder than every other women my age.  No stones unturned.

While I was thinking of myself as a competitor, the people around me still saw me the way I used to be.  After years of seeing me as a morbidly obese person, It was hard for many of them to think of me as anything but a recreational triathlete.  That was a little frustrating, but I figured that I would just work hard and let my results speak for me.  One day in May, my coach sat me down and said something like, "I want you to develop some swag.  You are good.  I am serious.  You are good."  Remembering his excitement that day still makes me smile from ear to ear.

Fire in the belly.  Who would have thought!