I am Different Now

I Am Different Now
July 20, 2014

In my previous post, I explained that I am pretty happy about my World Triathlon results in Chicago.  Out of the 25 women entered in the race in my age group, nine didn't show up.  Of the sixteen who completed the race, I was:

Swim:  4th
Bike:  7th
Run:  15th
Overall:  10th

I am pretty proud.  Mostly, I am am proud that I had the courage to show up.  But I'm also proud of all the hard work that I've done and the results of that hard work.  I know that I could not have done it without all the people who supported me along the way - my sons, my husband, my coach.

Prior to this race, I had no idea if I had any aptitude for triathlons.  When you're the only one in your age group in the local triathlons, it's hard to judge if you're any good.  I'd come in dead last overall but earn first in my age group.  It was so confusing.  Should I be disappointed because I was last overall or exuberant because I was first in my age group?  I knew that being first in my age group was something to be proud of even if I were the only one.  It meant that I had the courage to show up while others stayed home.  But, I always wished there were others in my age group so I could feel good about 1) showing up, and 2) racing faster than someone else.   I tried to not think about where I placed, and instead focus on my personal improvement (pace).  But, since the courses change with every race and the distance markers are often set in the wrong places, I really couldn't use pace as a measure of my improvement.  I just had no idea how I was doing.


My placements in Chicago helped me understand that I not only have the courage to show up at the start line, I also have some skill (at least in swim and bike).

I feel different now.  I no longer think of myself as the heavy person who is trying to finish the race.  I am now an athlete competing.  I am no longer playing at triathlon.  I am now an athlete in training.  I have muscles that I can flex in the mirror.  I can swim, bike and run for miles and keep up with others.  I used to be the person who couldn't get through the turnstiles at the airport.  Now I am an athlete.  I am tearing up as I write this.  The change is deep.   I am no longer me.  I am someone new.  

It's like waking up one day and discovering that you're a different person.  I like the new person - but it's kind of strange to find myself so changed.  

On the other hand, there are people in my life now who never knew me the way I used to be.  I tell them that I used to weigh 160 pounds more and they just don't seem to be able to comprehend that the person they know has not always been the way I am now.  It's like waking up one day with a new identity.  Very strange.  Good, but strange.